fucked up mind

I sit here on th floor against the bathroom wall,
I'm thinking about my past week and its tortures,
My invisibility,
My inferiority.

My week has been hell,
My death bekons me,
I clutch a blade in my hand.

Confused,
Unsure,
Scared.

My mind is fucked up,
those are the only words to describe my state,
Unable to eat more than 1 thing a day,
And possibly not eating anything at all.

My mind is fucked up beyond repair,
Songs telling of my mind's trouble,
Relieve me!

Nothing can save me now,
No words of wisdom,
No amount of love,
No convincing voices.

My blood is on their hands!
My blood is on their hands!
My blood is on their hands!

It's their fault,
Their words that hurt,
Their words that cut me up,
Their way of fun is my demise!!!

This poem's a little extreme for some but the truth had to be told

Depressive State Of Mind

Fearful of my every next day,
If they are there,
What Will they do next?
Sitting up in my bed crying,
unable to sleep,
full of fear.

Everyday this torture occurs,
Everyday they laugh,
Everyday they snigger,
Everyday they degrade me.

Inferior to them,
Nothing to them,
Prey for them,
But why?

What is so different about me,
What makes me unacceptable in society?

Outcasted,
Non- existent,
Helpless.

I sit here in my bathroom,
lonely,
depressed,
petrified.

I hold a blade in my hands,
I twist in my fingers,
Confused.

Why me?
What have I done?
The world is better without me..

The blade is covered in blood,
The blood that is from my vains,
The world is a better place without me.

Unwanted,
Hurt,
Depressed,
No one wants me!
NO MORE WILL THEY TORTURE ME!
I am dead!

Small spaces

You are born,
no regrets,
no pain,
no understanding,
only innocence,
a small crack in your parents wall,
caused not by hurt pain or anger,
but by joy and happiness and their ageing.

A small chunk in the wall of life,
formed by your wrongs of your present,
your regrets,
your hurt,
your pain.

slowly the crack turns to a small space,
as your life gains problems,
stress,
as your child copies your rebellious side.

A big black hole is in place of the small crack,
the reason,
loss,
none of your family left,
the ones who created you are gone.

the wall slowly crumbles and the ones you created watch,
they feel pain and hurt,
a small crack appears in their wall.

Your wall crumbles to dust ready for a new one to be built,
and theirs to build another beside them as you once did.

misery within

Strange feelings provoke me,
cutting inside my flesh,
the wound feels deep,
the feelings controlling me,
confusion hate and others,
mix in the form of jealousy.

Why her?
why not me?
What does she deserve that I don't?

Hatred beckons,
but friendship rules,
no friendship has this kind of rules,
nothing should rule me,

Regret now rules me,
as arguments commence,
Hatred is back,
It tears stronger than ever,
braking the once strong relationship we had,
a relationship like sisters,
to shreads.

Fearfulness prospers as my dreams show me of what may come of our friendship.
I WON'T LET IT HAPPEN!

The silence within

As my friends are all happy,
A quietness surrounds me,
an uncomfomforting silence making me feel insecure and vulnerable.

There is no reason for this ,
no reason at all,
except that my very existence,
my life my spirit my body,
is nowhere to be found.

Silence is all I see, hear and feel.

As I Gaze

As I gaze into the sky I see clouds of all shapes and sizes, forming familiar shapes that are figments of imagination.

As I gaze into the window I see people rushing by,
Cars chasing after one another forming familiar actions.

As I gaze up at the wall I see a familiar blue colour,
All surrounded by pictures of favourite things and idols.

As I gaze into the mirror I see a whole person there,
A person that stares back at me with no reason to.

Yet, as I gaze into myself I see an unfulfilled nothing,
That everyone torments leaving an empty hole never to be filled that once contained my self confidence.

Why? You answer my question!

Random writing

This section isn't really of any meaning because it was just some paragraphs I wrote of the top of my head. The paragraphs are below.

General realisations
General realisations, general problems, general worries, add to the confusion of life. Think why? What is the meaning of them? Why do they even exist ask yourself, see what answer you get. You can’t think of one, adding more confusion to your life. Things plaguing you, things confusing you, things, things, things, confusion all over, life are a challenge from the start! Rambling continuously, rambling, rambling, never ending, rambling, rambling, stop, stop, wait, wait, help! Help with this puzzle that can never be solved? Do you know the solution to a never ending problem? Select your answer, correct your answer, and wonder WHY?

Complicated Confusions

Complications, ever producing never ending, figuring them out would be impossible. Run away, far, far away, further than ever quicker than you ever have before. Thinking to yourself what should I do next no choices, no where else to go, surrounded, surrounded by a world that doesn’t like me, thinks I’m invisible, thinks I’m a criminal, everyone wants me, but everyone hates me. Why, I ask what have I done, tell me, please, no answer, just blank do I know? Faces, choosing my future decisions, why, why, why? These faces torment me, which one? Help me choose!


Random Writing
Random writing helps relieve you more than you could think of, but what makes you write them? Can you answer me those questions, what makes them what they are? Why do they relieve stress, no more feeling the urge to cut the blood running through my body ,no more feeling my blood is black, plaguing my insides burning, writhing inside me like it doesn’t belong, like me as the social outcast I seem to be no way not any more, relief is all I feel. The curtain once covering my spot in society has now been removed as it once should have been.

Prevailing?

Relentlessly moving further from my goals, wondering why? How is it they're doing better than me? I chose to fall victim to this torment, this victimisation, this mental torture. The undenying hatred that prevails past my good nature. What is it? What’s wrong with me? Looks, hairstyles, clothes, what? Why? Tell me how I can help myself, stop my torture, there’s no way of making me talk, I refuse familiar words under these circumstances, but why? When I need to talk Why won’t the words come out of my mouth instead of a deadly silence that lingers , constantly showing its ugly sound, no sound the worst sound of all the sound that when there is no sound prevails through all others.

Looking

Looking frantically finding nothing,
Nothing that helps soothe my pain,
Nothing that helps relief this tortured soul.

The feelings that possess me burn,
As my insides do whenever I recall the events that have passed,
The unbearable excruciation they cause.

The unforgettable mental scar that they bring,
The hell they caused for one moment of laughing,
Teasing me the fun they had the torture they caused.

Can they accept their actions now?
Look what foolishness has lead to,
You decide how this story ended,
No longer is this soul tortured!

IT’S ALL THEIR FAULT!!

Life

Life is a confusing part of creation,
So many questions all to do with the same subject,
What is the meaning of it? What is its point?
No one knows except one, the creator knows.

Obstacles to overcome, decisions to make,
Fun to have, but also businesses to run as well,
Not everything can be done so life cannot be lived to its full standard,
Who ever says that is wrong ,
living life is its full standard.

People choosing to take advantage of their life,
Wasting it through methods such as drinking, and drug addiction,
No longer living life freely but engulfing themselves in a world of problems.

Money, food, drink, or family?
You choose what means the most to you,
The vital role in your life, the one you are most dependent on,
Look deeper!

Empty Inside

Darkness surrounds me and the light disintegrates,
The once happy prosperous life I lived,
Is merely a fragment long past existence,
As the wrong decisions and insecurity takes over.

No one to help me, no one to heed their advice from,
The voices of wrong doers guiding me away from the right,
Leading me away from the correct way of life,
Making sure my life becomes a miserable source of torture.

A light reaches through from an unknown location,
The good prevails, the darkness fades, and the light surrounds me,
As my friends and family wait to look up to me,
Respect me, and return to comfort me,
I no longer drown in a pool of wrong decisions and insecurity,
The thought has long gone.

A Sad Occasion

Fore note:
Firstly before this poem begins, everything in the poem is of true events that stood in my mind for weeks, two infact. Two weeks before writing this poem I went to a funeral of a very close family member whom I greatly loved and this poem was written to talk myself over the events of that days events and basicaly get it off my chest.

A Sad Occasion


The day at first was a misunderstanding,
Flowers outside a beautiful dedication for a wonderful woman,
Youngsters running around, laughing, joking,
They didn’t understand the day’s meaning.

The game ended and downstairs the children came,
The site that greeted them was an unexpected one,
The sad faces filled with tears,
No longer cheerful, happy, but distraught,
As they view a brown box with two handles either side.

The words Nan and mum in flowers either side of the box,
As the once happy children no longer run, laugh or play,
They realise the sadness of the day and become engulfed,
In a tearful pool of sorrow and distress.

Lost

I look deep inside,
deep deep inside my soul,
I find nothing,
nothing at all,
but a space,
an empty space.

Nothing to see but a black mass of nothingness,
Seeing nothing there,
I feel lost,
Needing to cry,
No reason to though,
Confusion overtaking me.

What is it that possessess me?
What's causing it?
A poltergeist of sadness ,
Depression, and Hormones,
All possess me like an uncontrolable dementia.

WHY?